What Should I Do??

17th Jan 2010, Sunday, my last day before a new semester starts. Had kinda enjoy my pass three weeks of holidays but some problem, maybe can be said as trouble, or maybe its something good, well, I am not sure about it. Lets start this whatever-it-call step by step.

First of all, I used to have a bunch of friends who go to same tuition class (we are all in university now that's why i use "used") during my secondary time. As usual, boys at that time wish to know more girls, especially we were from boy school. That time kids like us were keen to have a girlfriend. Then I found out a way to get CW's phone number. My friend wanted to know YP so much, I though I might be able to give a help while at the same time I can get to know some females.

Then, the story starts. Well, I was suppose to tackle CW that time, maybe I was nt as mature as now so I didn't do anything while my friend became her bf. Everyone was ok with it, including me, I never thought of tackle her at the first place. This was not the problem that I face. Last year (year 2009), well, CW and I sort of got ourselves into a relationship which is more than a friendship but not couple. We should meet up but something came up (its my fault) and we didn't get to meet. Then we kinda got an argument, she asked me to choose between friendship or relationship, that time I was all messed up and I chose friendship. Since then she started to hate me, hate in a way that whatever that is ok previously become not ok. (ie: when chatting, hehe & haha is something I always put, in msn, there will be some funny emoticons appear, during the sweet period everything was ok until she finally want me to make the choice, she starts to hate those emoticons)

After that, I tried my best to use my sincerity, no matter what she said, no matter what how she scold me I am still here concern about her and care for her. I thought this is the best way to proof of a sincere friend. But then recently, that kinda sweet period starts again, I should have stop it but then I didn't. This time the sweet period doesn't last too long before she asked me to make the choice again, after considering many many things between us I, again, answered "friendship". Then I did something that really piss her off and she said I will lose her as friend. Well, that was last week's incident, till now I haven't contact her yet. Wonder if she really mean what she said. Sigh~~~ why is her always want me to clarify myself, why must she make me make this kinda choice??

After this incident happen then I start to doubt whether I am really a good bf or not. In order to find it out, I have to ask my ex about it cs I only had one experience of relationship. I was wondering how should I ask her. If want to explain everything to her in sms, I think she won't read it cause I know her style, lazy to read or type sms style. To make it short and informative, easier to understand, I sent "What kinda bf do you think I was??". After I sent it only i realize that this might create misunderstanding. I already sent, so didn't really care about it. The same day sms was sent, I didn't get any reply, the next and the day after the next day also never reply. Then I think she might not want to talk about the pass as she has already have a bf now. I just ignore the sms i sent.

After few days she said she want to have a talk then I went to msn and chat with her. She said she only will be back on CNY but then all of a sudden she is coming back on 12pm the next day, so I asked her out for a movie. The Spy Next Door. Well, we didn't chat too much in cinema. After that we went sushi king for dinner. Then we start to talk about her relationship. That is the time when she start to act a little weird and start to say things that is kinda weird. However, I manage to get myself away from talking about those weird stuff as I asked her out as a friend, nothing else more than that. After dinner I send her home. On the way home she said she want to go and have a look at Eye of Malaysia but too bad its already closed down. Then we went to the new beach to have a walk and talk and took some pictures. Before we reach the beach, someone called me, I didn't manage to answer, I saw the number and I ask her about the number, shockingly it was her mom's phone number. I wonder how her mom has my phone number.

Well, after the beach walk, I finally sending her home. On the way back, another weird topic starts, still, I manage to prevent from talking too much about it. That night and the next morning she really acted weirdly. We had a couple of sms during the day. At night, when I was at my aunty's house, she called, we talked for 15 minutes and hung up. It was 9pm something. After wished her good night then she never reply. Fine, 10pm, no sms, cool, 11pm no sms, I wasn't really waiting for her sms, I was watching show on tv and playing with my computer. As usual, I will watch 12.30am movie shown on tv3 on saturday night, at 2am, before I went to bed, I checked my phone and saw a sms. I thought I manage to get myself away from discussing weird topics with her, I didn't make it. She finally express herself. I really don;t know what to reply. I just tell her that I don't know what to say and wish her good night. Till now she never reply me.

I thought I want a relationship very much, but why when there is someone who is wiling to accept me, I just let them down? What is wrong with me? I always tell myself that I am not a guy who has the right to choose my gf so whenever there is someone who are wiling to accept me, I should appreciate it. But I can't do what I tell myself all the time. DAMN!!!

Class is going to start tomorrow, and I am so lazy to go for class cause I have been lazying around for pass few weeks. I really wish I can sit at home and rest more.

Happy last day of holiday... :)